The Kiss Hello
July 2, 2005

You know how in those foreign films people kiss-hello strangers? Well, apparently Brazilians have picked up on the trend, because everyone's kissin' everybody in this tropical paradise. It can be quite overwhelming, being a stranger in a strange land: How does one do the kiss-hello?

Here's the scene: You get off the airplane in Porto Alegre, smell the pits for stink, and shrug in acceptance of your travel funk. After grabbing your bags you realize you'll have to encounter your loved ones beyond the automatic glass doors, and you regret not packing a pint-sized deo stick in your carry-on: you're about to be kissed.

This is what we think, we Americans. It's quite an event, the greeting kiss. Most of us don't get as much action on a Friday night, much less from random strangers and relatives alike.

Okay, that sounded weird.

Back to the airport: So, you don't really know what to do. You have the bags in both hands, and you know you're going to be kissing someone. How many times? Do you really kiss the cheek or just the air? What about the hug? Isn't there any hugging involved?

Well, it's about time you learned how to do the greeting kisses, and I'm here to help. Hopefully, with this quick and simple guide you'll approach your next Brazilian vacation with the confidence of a swine in a slaughterhouse, or a fowl in a haystack, or a kiwi in the Outback.

First, a few general rules:
Rule 1: There are no hard-and-fast rules as to the number of kisses.
Rule 2: Ignoring Rule 1, kiss three times on the cheek if the girl is unmarried, two times if she's already been snatched up. If you are unsure, just stand there. She'll do the rest. (Oh, and no need to punch out the hubby if he's around. Firsties applies.)
Rule 3. If the girl kisses you three times, that doesn't mean she doesn't have a boyfriend (often better-looking and broader-shouldered than you) lurking close by. You will be well served by remembering caveat emptor, not carpe diem…

Okay, now to the different variations of the Brazilian greeting kiss:

The Cousin Kiss: When kissing loved ones, it's less about the kiss than the hug. I don't think I've ever kissed my cousins three times, and rarely twice. Usually a single kiss with the quick segue into a hug is the way to go. Now, it should be noted that often you are arriving to a churrasco with hands full of dead meat, and therefore incapable of hugging without smearing the blood of the lamb on their backs. In these cases, a lean-in single kiss (held slightly for effect) or double-smacker is in order.

The Girl-on-Girl Kiss: Okay, so you're a girl and you're not into other girls, but you realize this is Brazil and the normal rules don't apply. If you are young, kiss her three times. If that's too much work, twice will do. If you already know her, onesie and a hugsie.

The Holy Moly Kiss: You will often encounter stunning beauties during your travels. Trust your instincts and hide your excitement at the thought of actually getting your lips close to theirs - this is the business of meeting, not making out. Proceed as if you've done this a million times, and resist the urge to kiss him/her closer to his/her mouth than is absolutely necessary. This is known as the “I think you're hot” phenomenon and is best reserved for The Goodbye Kiss. (See below.)

The ProKiss: I must admit I have very little experience with the professional interview kiss. It is not unheard of, but it is rare. When in doubt, extend the hand or go for the double-cheeker. However, if the woman is sufficiently bubbly, she may grab you and plant a wet one on you before you have a chance to draw your mitt. In this case just go with the flow - she holds your job in her hands.

The Goodbye Kiss: Okay, so the night is dying down, and people are heading out. It is customary to kiss-goodbye anyone with whom you have discussed family lineages, disclosed intimate secrets, or accidentally insulted. A single kiss and hug is the only way to go, with varied pressure depending on the degree of intimacy you either shared or you wish to share.

Now I know what you're thinking: But Carl, I can't remember all these rules! It's too much! I'm on vacation! I just want to relax! For all of you lazy-asses out there (no need to stand up, we know who you are), I have just what you need: the Brazilian Kiss Cheat Sheet. Succinct and diminutive, it can be slipped into a pocket or purse for quick retrieval at any unexpected social encounter. Guard it well, and Godspeed.