Anatomy of a Festa
November 5, 2005

No matter how you swing, swing on over to a Brazilian party. Rife with cheer and beer and saliva, it represents all that is good and right with the world. Herein, the anatomy of the Brazilian festa.

Arrival Time
First of all, you arrive late: Think New York City times. Figure that any night out will start at 11 PM or so, and you´ll be fine. Because of the late start times oftentimes they´ll throw in a promotion called “Dose Dupla” or “Doze Dupla”. This rocks because it means you get 2 drinks (the dose in Dose Dupla) for the price of one, but often only until the clock strikes 12 (the doze part), at which point you turn into a pumpkin. Oooh, that reminds me of Jack-O-Lanterns!

Beer & Other Beverages
Okay, back to the drink! Even if you´re not 18 you´ll still be able to have a beer or two at most joints, though the bigger and more expensive night-clubs will require you to have someone more responsible (well, older) to buy you the beverage and then pour it down your throat.

When you enter the club or the restaurant or the bar, you´ll get a slip of paper called a comanda or consumação. (You are in command of your consumption, or something.) Hang on this, Johnny! Whenever you order anything the garçom will ask for your little slip to mark up, and if you lose it you have to pay like R$100 (and are your 3 Apple Cosmos really worth R$100?).

One more thing: There is virtually no waiting for alcohol here in Brazil. The main reason is the aforementioned system of marking up your ticket instead of paying every time you order. The other is that there is always an unhealthy supply of ice-cold beer in the sub-zero freezers behind the counter. These beers are ordered up like water in the desert, and that means no waiting!

Approaching the Fairer Gender
So what does one do with all the free time? Hit up the ladies, of course! But watch out Don DeMarco, approach the girls with your hands behind your back. (I´ve seen this in Europe, too.) Apparently Latin men are a gropy bunch, and the butterflies have their antennae attuned to any caressing. Once you´ve advanced your humble advance, get some sort of schtick. Accessories work well. Drop your cap on the floor and throw some coins in, then dance for the girl till she throws in a bill. (The bill is a sign that she likes you and would like to make out with you!) Truthfully, this has never worked for me, but for you I´m sure it´ll be golden.

Talking to Girls
Girls in southern Brazil are no easy catch, but being a foreigner will open some doors for you. Learn some classic phrases like, “Seus olhos são lindooos” or “Você quer ver o meu quarto?”, then get all shy when they claim you´re just trying to get them back to the pad. Pretend you don´t understand their Latin culture and ask for them to repeat what they said real close to your ear. Remember, here in the South, persistence is a virtue: keep at it. Gaúchas are suckers if you can just keep them strung along. 10-15 minutes of talking and you´ll get a kiss unlike no other (or just like the others but from some different lips).

Dancing with Girls
Twinkle Toes you´re not, but dancing too plays right into the hands (and arms) of the beautiful ladies. They will help you, Blockfoot. First of all, the American music is gonna play for a couple hours to make you feel right at home. Pet Shop Boys, The Smiths, The Black-Eyed Peas: it´s gonna give you a good head start to imbibe what you must before the samba trax start bumping. Drink up, then wait till the Latin beats beat the crowd into a crowd of couples. That´s your cue! Find a nice looking lady and ask her to show you the moves. Be modest and don´t step on her toes! Now move your hips just a bit... That´s it, Ace! You´re dancing with a real Brazilian girlie!

A Fila no Fim da Festa
And…it´s the end of the night. You´re a bit tipsy from all those caipirinhas and falls on the dance floor, and the snooziness is calling you home. However, you are about to experience the buzzkill of the night: the dreaded fila. It is said that Brazilians love a good queue, and the nightclubs do not disappoint. As you glance toward the door you see it: a long line of toe-tapping, dance-wearied fila veterans dutifully standing, waiting, chatting. You too will be in that line. You too will wait to pay your bill.

But the silver lining: You too will chat. And if the line is sufficiently long enough, you may even get a little make-out session in. You see, many of the girls are tired, too, but they didn´t get in their kiss for the night and are quite vulnerable to the charms of your inebriated sways and swoons. So woo them, my friend, woo like you´ve never woo-ed before, and maybe just maybe you´ll have a story to tell the champs back home.

And such is the anatomy of a Brazilian festa. In its most pure form, it represents all that is special about this land I now call home: a leisurely schedule, a little bit of pride but a preponderance of pleasure, and a willingness to find amusement even in the most mundane.